Rid of Me: When Bro Things Happen to Good People

So since I have been confined to my room for the past three days as a result of what appears to be the lovechild of the flu virus and a sinus infection, what else to do but what new movies? I stumbled upon this film Rid of Me in my Rate Movies tab on Netflix and it was a really interesting watch.

Meris and Mitch have just moved to Oregon (Mitch's hometown specifically) after being married for a little over a year in California. Meris, a little socially awkward, is having trouble fitting in with Mitch's group of friends, who I can only describe as a troupe of raging assholes. Instead of being kind to Meris as new member of their friend circle, they alienate her and focus only on getting Mitch back as a member of their elite friend team. When Mitch asks her for a divorce to pursue his old high school sweetheart, Meris completely reinvents herself as a punk rock badass with the help of her friend, Trudy.

Timid, housewife Meris.

This movie started off with a bang, and a really graphic first image. Hearing that Mitch and Briann (the high school sweetheart) are going to have a baby, Meris throws caution to the winds and humiliates Briann in public. Like...really horrendously. But once this action happens through the movie's course of events, you really don't feel sorry for her at all. Let me explain...

Badass Meris.

So the awful (and really fascinating) thing about this movie is learning what constitutes a good person and a bad person. Mitch's awful friends classify Meris as a socially awkward weakling with no place in their group and with this "group think" Mitch starts to agree with them. But the most horrible thing about Mitch and his friends is that to most bystanders they seem like upstanding citizens. They all dress nice, they go out for social events together, they play sports, and they're all nice to each other. By contrast, Meris's new punk friends seem like aliens to them. And while some of the things that Meris's new crew do are a little extreme, it's obvious that they are all open to new things, fiercely protective of their new friend, and have an appreciation for her that we never seem to see from Mitch's side, even when they're married.

Only the strong can survive douchebaggery.

I also really loved the way that this is filmed. It looks like it's filmed with a handheld camera and Meris has a way of looking at the camera with such a vulnerability that you can immediately be in every situation that she is in.

A really interesting commentary about the importance of fitting in for some people, and the imperativeness of being yourself.

8 outa 10 stars folks. Watch at your own risk!

Wreck It Ralph: The World's Most Endearing Bad Guy

Pixar, how do I love thee?
Let me count the ways:
Your mastery of humor
For kids and adults the same,
While dazzling us with great effects
The result is never lame.

O Pixar, thou great beacon
In the sea of dark,
Where stupid animation
And potty jokes live,
Make our movies great again
With HD, humanity, and wit.

I mean, really there was no other way to express my love for this sweet production company. Wreck-It Ralph is nothing but awesome. Compared with Pixar's other sentimentally heartbreaking movies (anyone else have puffy eyes for days after seeing Up?), this one was pleasant, sweet, and ADORABLE. What's cuter than a big hulking clumsy guy who just wants a hug (says the girl who dates a tender-hearted, 6'4 ex-offensive lineman). It is absolutely impossible to single out any one thing about this movie without busting out a great big smile. Feel-good awesomeness, ladies and gentlemen.

Seriously, this has fun written all over it.

As I'm sure everyone in this country has seen from the trailer, the plot follows Ralph, an unhappy bad guy in a game called Fix-It Felix Jr. The game revolves around Ralph wrecking an apartment complex and his good guy counterpart Fix-It Felix being controlled by the player to fix all the damage that he has done. At the end of each game, Ralph is thrown from the top of the apartment complex into a mud puddle on the ground. As we learn in the beginning, Ralph is upset that he gets treated poorly by the other characters in the game and just wants some recognition (and also a medal....or a pie...).

I mean, who doesn't want a pie? (Happy Thanksgiving by the way, guys!)

After a confrontation at the anniversary party of his game, Ralph goes AWOL and sets off to find a medal to prove to the others in his game that he's not all bad. On this mission, Ralph visits a game that looks like a cross between Halo and the movie Starship Troopers, and then another game that looks like a cross between Mario Kart and Candy Land.

Kandy Kart?

The structure of the plot revolves around learning how to accept people that aren't like ourselves. While Ralph bonds with a glitch named Vanellope Von Schweetz (voiced by Sarah Silverman, brilliant.), Felix gets close with a strong-willed commander of the game Hero's Duty. Facing opposition from the other characters in her game, Vanellope knows what its like to be an outcast and she and Ralph form a snarky yet loving friendship. As for Felix (voiced by Jack McBrayer, genius.) he learns that bad guys aren't always necessarily bad guys.

I mean SO FREAKIN CUTE

Clever clever dialogue, some tearjerker moments (I mean, come on, what'd you expect?), and some hilariously awesome characters (look for the devil dogs that help King Candy, I was cracking up). I think Nick and I were laughing harder than the majority of the children in the packed audience. (Also, a bit off topic, but it was so nice to sit in a full theatre for once! So often it's me and Nick and like ten other people...)

So many fellow cinephiles!

The Pixar moniker has triumphed once more. Get your butt out there and remember what movie magic was like during the golden years of Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast.

10 outa 10. Pixar, you keep on keepin' on!

Silent Hill 2: The Hill Just Got More Silenter

Huh. Interesting. Maybe it's because I only saw the first installment of this movie last week and hadn't quite processed its themes yet, but this movie didn't make any sense. "Only once you destroy (and by destroy we mean join with) Alessa can Silent Hill be destroyed! Except it won't actually be destroyed! Mostly! Except for the one part of it! Because at the end a character decides to stay there! So what was the purpose of you coming here? We don't know! ....Look! A scary spider made of mannequins!"

"Rawr!"

So the film starts out with Alessa/Sharon/Heather being about 18 or something. Why the name change you ask? You find out about twenty minutes in. So (for those of you that have seen the original movie) the way they explain Sharon coming back without the mom is that the mom found a key into our dimension but that there was only room for one person to go through because half of the key was missing.

Observe: The key.

And Heather (aka Sharon) starts having these crazy dreams about all this stuff that's still going on in Silent Hill. She starts to hallucinate things going on around her reminiscent of the Silent Hill dimension, complete with Triangle-Hat Executioner Man and Saw-blade Arms Lady. So what does she do? She goes back to Silent hill of course! Where nothing but nonsensical weirdness ensues.

Also somewhere in Silent Hill they found a carnival.

So the problem with this movie is that it seems like someone was making it up as they went. "I think that Sharon should be back in our world and with the dad."
"How?"
"Uhh...well she's with her mom right? Her mom helps her get out?"
"How?"
"Uhhh, maybe there's like a hole in the dimension?"
"How would they reach this hole?"
"With a key...?"

The rest of the movie tries to carry a reason for everything, but each reason just seems like it's totally contrived. The whole plot doesn't really hold water and while the monsters are as interesting as ever, I was spending so much time trying evaluate what the heck was going on, the disturbing images kind of passed me by while I was asking Nick things like "Wait..why is that thing killing her? Who are all these people? Wait...what? I thought they all died in the first one?"

Even Sharon/Heather/Alessa/Margaret/Catherine/Thelma is confused.

Unfortunately, peeps, you'd be just as lost watching it if you had never even seen the first one. I would wait for this one to come out on Redbox or OnDemand.

2 outa 10.

PS It really bothers me when sequels have look-alike actors for children from their originals. Obviously they can't have the original kids but can't they just ex out the kids altogether?

Water Babies (a.k.a. What the Hell Did I Just Watch)

Started watching The Water Babies at the gym on my iPhone because my Netflix recommendations had been hounding me about it for a while and I am baffled at what I just watched.

In hindsight, this cover maybe should've been a hint...

The film starts out as a live action doodad set in London around the early 1800's. The main character is a boy named Tom, who we find out is a chimney sweep orphan working under the apprenticeship of Mr. Grimes (how appropriate) and his buddy Mr. Masterman, whose purpose is a bit unclear. Mr. Grimes and Mr. Masterman set out to the Yorkshire countryside under the pretense of sweeping some lord's manor house chimneys. Unbeknownst to Tom, they have a plot to go in and steal a bunch of this lord's silver and make off with it. One thing leads to another and Tom ends up getting blamed for the stolen silver. After the only hilarious scene in this movie (which includes a lot of yelling "Stop! Thief!"), Tom runs away for fear of being captured and sent to the gallows. He jumps into some creek and ends up turning into a cartoon himself and making friends with sea creatures on his quest to find the "water babies", the people he's been told will get him home.

Nothing more clever than a Scottish lobster I always say...

So I was actually looking forward to this a little bit. After getting over the appearance of the cover, I was like "Oh! Cool! English period drama! My favorite!" and then with the introduction of the little boy, I was kind of like "Huh, you're voice is kind of weird. But sallying forth anyway!" After the appearance of George Banks from Mary Poppins (whose real name is apparently David Tomlinson), I got super excited and waited for the action to kick into high gear.

Fail.

The minute the boy jumps in the water, the live action opulence is replaced with seriously broken animation. Being a fierce Disney fan, I was really disappointed at the lack of fluidity in the cartoons' motions. Not only that, but all of the characters are like a punch in the face of personality. I don't know if it's their weird facial expressions paired with the jumping frames that make them seem almost scary, or if it's their voices paired with their strange clothing, or if its the fact that they look like they've been drawn by a fifth grader, but there is something seriously awry here.

Also, I couldn't figure out if this sea horse was supposed to be gay or not

Seriously.

Additionally, the movie takes about 45 minutes before you even reach the cartoon bits and then the ending takes another half hour of live action. I bet any kid would be bored out his mind before being let down by the terrible songs and disappointing drawings.

In short, if you didn't get it at this point, I really didn't like this movie. It didn't make much sense, even for a kid's movie. Would've liked to see the whole thing as a live-action thing.

Actually, come to think of it, what was the point in making this a period drama? This could've easily been set in present day with more money going to the animation crews than the sets. Boo.

3 outa 10. And the only reason it's not a 2 is because of David Tomlinson. Who I now love.

My man.

Cloud Atlas is...What Exactly?

Is it bad that I am more excited to see Tinkerbell's Secret of the Wings than I am to see Cloud Atlas? It just seems so...complex... I mean the movie has three different directors and four different writers. It's also three hours long. This is going to be more like an experience than just a film. Hope it can stand up to popular audiences. Critics on IMDB seem to think it's okay, giving it an 8.3 outa 10. Hmmm...we shall see.

I mean these don't seem to be even half the 

characters from what I've seen of the preview...

Looking forward to trying to figure that one out...

Chernobyl Diaries: What a Disappointment

If you had a plot that revolved around a bunch of teens getting stuck in the Ukraine it would be pretty scary on its own. When you up the ante and make their precise location in the Ukraine the very spot of the biggest nuclear disaster in known history, you'd think that would be ample fodder for a decent scary movie.

I mean, this place has horror written all over it.

What you get instead with this film is a no-nonsense Jesse McCartney (yes. really.), his girlfriend, her friend and his idiotic brother wondering around an abandoned apartment complex/woods for a day and a half and getting attacked by mutant human beings that we never clearly see.

Yes. That we never clearly see.

Let me elaborate. Jesse--I mean, Chris (McCartney) and his girlfriend are traveling around Europe along with his girlfriend's friend Amanda, ultimately going to Ukraine to visit Chris's unruly older brother, Paul-the-Idiot. Paul-the-Idiot somehow ropes the whole group into going on a tour of Pripyat, the site of the Chernobyl disaster. How fun right!? Little do they know that the site is actually occupied with people that never got out and are now the equivalent of mindless zombies that only hunt for food. Or something. While they're definitely not friendly we never really find out what it is they are after.

Wanna know how I know you're gonna die? Haven't 

you guys ever seen Descent? NEVER take a picture.

Terrible luck.

I just cannot get over this missed opportunity. They could've had a gem like The Hills Have Eyes going on here, made twice as creepy by the bleak skies of Ukraine. Yet they sell the story short by making it vague and focusing too much on the drama between Chris-the-Valiant and Paul-the-Idiot. The creepiest thing about this film is the abandoned feel of the replicated Chernobyl site (which I'm betting they blew most of their budget on). Other than that it's a lot of over-acting by an aged pop sensation and a lot of people being dragged away to nowhere.

Woops, there goes another one

Admittedly, it's always difficult to make a movie out of a horrible disaster, no matter the genre. A film about a tremendous human tragedy cheapened by Hollywood gore and cheap jumps doesn't really seem right, and maybe they were timid about this in production. (Seriously, Google some of the pictures from the real-life radiation side effects. That shit is no joke. It's actually horrifying.) That being said, better to not make a movie at all than to make one as half-assed as this one feels. Shame on you, Bradley Parker. Shame on you.

Not terrible, but really such a waste of what could've been a really creepy and interesting plot.

4 outa 10. Womp womp.

Lovely Molly: I'm Both Scared and Really Confused

It is October, dear friends, and that means that everyone should be scanning the movies OnDemand for cheesy thrillers from the 60s, low-budget gore-fests from the 80s, and current horror flicks that fell under the radar. One such underrated recent film was what Nick and I ended up renting on Saturday night, called Lovely Molly.

Soooo I don't really know how to explain the plot of this one very well, but let's just go through the structure of what happens.

Nooormal, perfectly nooormal

Molly is a happy newlywed that moves into her parents' old house with her new husband.  Not long after they move in, strange things start happening. Something trips their burglar alarm and scares the crap out of Molly when she is investigating a noise downstairs. But to add to these strange happenings, certain changes start taking over Molly and make her behave bizarrely. Eluding to her father's abuse of her as a child and even her past use of drugs after his death, there is something deeply unsettling, and even perhaps demonic, about the spirit that is following Molly around. After being literally scared out of her mind (or maybe even possessed by this malevolent spirit) Molly reaches the point where she is doing things that simply are not normal. From attacking her husband to trying to introduce her dead father to him to the even more extreme measures she takes by the end of the film, Molly slowly is turning from herself into something else.

Maybe not doin' so good...

This movie is every film professor's dream. There is nothing concrete in terms of plot structure, yet the movie is deeply terrifying. Why? Maybe it's that old theory that something you can't see or understand is truly horrifying. Look at Paranormal Activity. Holy crap. Never been so scared in my life. Do you see anything? Nope! The same theory applies with Lovely Molly. Despite her (and your) mounting terror, there is no concrete evidence to suggest that she is anything but crazy until a shot near the end (which also scared the living daylights out of me). Even after taking a video camera to this spirit, the audience sees nothing that she claims to see. Her husband, her sister, and we don't see anything except for inanimate objects moved by this spirits energy (we assume).

And also the effects of her crazy

Maybe that's what's so creepy about this movie. She gets totally unglued for seemingly no reason. Yet you want to believe her and even sympathize with what she sees. The scary part of this movie is its power of suggestion, and boy does it work well.

4 outa 10, simply because of the muddled plot and the unclear occult symbols which never get explained. As a sidenote, probably a 6 or 7 outa 10 for scariness..

PS Just for the record, nothing is more unsettling than some weird chick roaming around a forest, spying on kids, and humming to herself.