Friday, December 27, 2013

The Best Movies of the Year Sneak into December

Um, wtf happened this year. I don't go to the movies for a solid month because there is literally nothing good playing and then this month (when I have been too busy to function) there are like 20 movies that dare to come out in theaters.

WTF, movie conglomerates? You think that three days off will really boost your movie sales enough to make up for evenly spaced releases throughout the year?

(Perhaps this is unfair of me. As someone who goes to the movies, like, three times a month, I probably represent a smaller fraction of the general movie-going public...)

Let's talk about all of the movies that I now have to wait until January to see because there wasn't enough time in this damn month to play catch-up. [Besides, of course, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (which I saw in NYC in October) and The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (review pending)]

1. Frozen


I have heard literally nothing but good things about this movie - especially its apparently mind-boggling soundtrack. The story follows two royal sisters, one of whom has magical powers that go awry. After the powerful sister banishes herself from the kingdom, it's up to the remaining sister to find her and make her come back to their kingdom. I have a notorious affinity for kids' movies (Disney especially; so well made!) and can't wait to catch this one (hopefully before it leaves theaters).

2. American Hustle


It looks like Goodfellas, Casino, The Fighter and National Treasure had a baby. Could Bradley Cooper, Christian Bale, and Amy Adams be the next DeNiro, Pesci, and Stone? I can't wait to see this one and find out what the heck it's actually about. Love the Zeppelin in the trailers!!!

3. Saving Mr. Banks


Little apprehensive about this one because it apparently takes some liberties with the original tale of P.L. Travers and her mission to impede the creation of the Mary Poppins film (which was a notorious pain in the ass for Disney) due to creative differences. Not sure how good a Walt Disney Tom Hanks will prove, and a little unsure about how many feelings are in it (I hear it's a sob fest), but you can sign me up for anything with Emma Thompson in it and there's a 85% chance that I'll enjoy it.

4. Anchorman 2

The only poster necessary right?

Heard mixed reviews about this one too. On the one hand, it seems nearly impossible to improve upon the laugh-fest that is the first Anchorman. On the other hand, who doesn't want to see more of that ridiculous, mustachioed news anchor and his band of misfits? Count me in.

5. The Wolf of Wall Street

My office looks like this too.

Honestly, I only want to see this because Scorsese made it. The film runs about 3 hours long and promises to be a total spectacle. But I feel like it's going to make me mad. It'll be interesting to see whether this film or American Hustle gets more popularity. They seem to have similar themes on corruption and the fact that they both take place in the near past is interesting.

6. 47 Ronin

I mean he was Neo. Maybe he can pull off "cool" again...

I could probably just call this The Asian Version of 300 and it would be like 50% the same movie (by the looks of the trailer). Despite being based on a true story, that whole lady-turning-into-a-dragon thing seems a bit suspect. But I guess you could say the same thing about a Scottish King Leonidas. Still, it looks like fun. Haven't seen a good action flick since the newest Hobbit.

Hopefully I can squeeze all of these in before the end of January. But I'm not making any promises.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Best Christmas Movies Post-1960s

This was probably the hardest list I've ever had to make. Because it could've ended up being like 45 items long. But, let's be real, no one would read through that many. So we've had to make some cuts, and here are the ones that I have determined are the creme de la creme.

So here we go with the...


1. Home Alone (1990)

haha, old previews...

Bless little Macullay (sp?) Culkin's heart. Have you ever seen a more authentic child actor? I pose that you have not. For anyone on this planet that hasn't heard of this movie, an entire family ships off to Paris for the holidays, only to discover halfway through their flight that they've left their child home alone (see what they did there?). As his mother tries desperately to get back home to make sure that he's alright, two burglars are trying to invade their home under the impression that no one is home. Kid fights to defend his house. Hilarity ensues. Besides dear little Kevin McCallister (let's not try to spell MacCaullay again...wrong..), the two-bandit duo Harry and Marv are cinema gold. Pesci puts a hilarious twist on his typical gangster persona and Daniel Stern's clearly clueless marv just makes a hilarious foil. Good job, John Hughes. As always.

2. Christmas Vacation (1989)

nice MS Paint marquee at the end there...

Okay, this is probably my family's favorite. Because it's hilarious, we haven't over-watched it, and the jokes are just so spot-on. Clark Griswald sets out to have the ideal Christmas at his house with his entire family. His entire family. When everything starts to go wrong, this movie just gets so damn funny. From a burnt up tree and an uncle that catches on fire, to a great aunt that can't remember how to pray and a SWAT team that shows up, this Christmas movie is unlike any other I've seen. Never gets old. Well done again, John Hughes.

3. Love Actually (2003)

oh god, someday someone will make a romcom trailer without "This Will Be."
waiting patiently for that day...

Who thought that England had it in 'em to create a festive, modern Christmas movie that tugs at ALL of your heartstrings (no offense, England, we just don't hear from you very often over here). One of those rare holiday gems that features an all-star cast that perfectly gel together in various interwoven story lines (we need to work on this in the U.S. guys, New Year's Day and Valentine's Day just did not cut it). It shows us the values of the season without getting overly sappy and finds a subtle but effective balance between humor, heartache, and love. Actually.

4. Jingle All the Way (1996)

Oh man...this little gem. The Little Christmas Movie That Could. I don't know who thought having Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad star together in a family Christmas movie was a brilliant idea, but congratulations, you have created the most (un)intentionally funny kid's Christmas movie of our time. The chemistry between the two of them, as well as the maddening subject matter of waiting too long to get your kid's favorite toy, fuse together to create what is a really funny movie. "Put that cookie down, now!"

5. Elf (2003)

hahaha anyone catch the "AOL Keyword: Elf" at the end there? oh old times...

Will Ferrell. (Drops the mic and walks away.)

No but really, Will Ferrell is quite possibly the most successful that any adult has ever been in acting childlike. When you see him as Buddy the Elf, you immediately want to get into the innocent and genuine mind set that he is in with regards to Christmas. Additionally, it really has almost everything that people look for in their Christmas movies. It harkens back to the stop-motion movies of the 1970s with the sets and animated animal friends in the beginning, has a part that is love story, and a huge part about family and personal identity. Yes, Buddy, there is a Santa Claus. And he lives in you. Perfect movie.

6. The Santa Clause (1994)

I am not a huge Tim Allen fan (I think the guy is a terrible person in real life), but this film brings me back so much nostalgia for the 90s, as well as a great plot, that I can't help but like it. The movie asks the question: "What if your dad became Santa Claus?" I mean, is there any other question that would explode a child's mind with excitement like this question right here? And his transition is so honest in regards to the real world that it actually stays pretty funny. Tim Allen's grumpy Scott Calvin is perfectly suited to be worried about the real-life repercussions of this transformation while simultaneously being taken over by the feelings that come with the persona. Still a pretty great movie. I'll let you by on this one and the Toy Story franchise, Mr. Allen...

7. One Magic Christmas (1985)

this is the only thing I could find - no trailer, sorry guys!

This one is actually a little rough. If you want a reminder of what Christmas is all about, then this one will have you clutching your loved ones for dear life. An angel is sent to make a cynical woman believe in Christmas again, and takes some extreme efforts in doing so. This movie, however heartbreaking it can get sometimes, is a great reminder of the values of the season. Christmas really isn't about money, it's about the people that you love! Really adorable performances by the two little kids. Ugh. Makes me cry every time. Available for streaming on Netflix!

8. George C. Scott's Christmas Carol (1984)

oops here's the whole movie...

Admittedly, I haven't seen this one more times than I can count, but I always catch it when it's on TV. I'd explain the story but I'm guessing you all know it pretty well. This one contains a lot of nuances that the others have since missed (including the terrifying kids, Ignorance and Want, who still freak me out). While I have a lot of respect for the newer Patrick Stewart version as well, there's a warmth in the lighting in this George C. Scott's that makes it so much more cozy than the cold, gray-lighted nightmare that is the Patrick Stewart version. And there's a bit more old-timey TV drama to the George C. Scott version as well, that makes it stand out a little more. (We're not going to discuss the Jim Carrey version. We're going to pretend like that didn't happen. The Albert Finney version too.)

9. A Christmas Story (1983)

I mean, come on. Has any single movie been more quoted since its debut? "You'll shoot your eye out!" "I triple-dog dare you!" "Frah-jee-lay -- that must be Italian!" "Oooohhh fuuuuudge." I could go on, but I'll stop there. Fantastic Christmas movie that chronicles a family's holiday season in the 1940s. The family dynamic is priceless, and the writing (from original story by Jean Shepherd, who is also the narrator) is spot-on. Every thought that we hear from Ralphie just seems to strike a note that feels all too familiar. Dealing with school bullies, imagining going blind (and subsequent family reaction) from "soap poisoning," cursing in front of your parents, and trying to persuade them to get you a dangerous present that you desperately want. Priceless material that never gets old. Which is probably why they air it on loop every Christmas Day.

10. The House Without a Christmas Tree (1972)

part one of many..

A lesser known gem, I don't think I saw this movie until I was at least in middle school. Another story set in the 1940s that follows a child as she tries to get something that she desperately wants - a Christmas tree. Following the death of her mother years before, her father is a regular Scrooge that is so heartbroken that he can't stand the sight of a Christmas tree, or any celebrations at all for that matter. As Addie (the kid) tries to persuade him otherwise, she rediscovers things about her mother and, after things come to a head, ends up teaching her dad about the importance of moving on and of celebration in general. Originally made as a TV movie, this may seem a little dated, but the story is so sweet you get wrapped up in it.

11. The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

I mean, you all know how I feel about The Muppet Christmas Carol. It has Michael Caine and Muppets. Could you ask for anything more wonderful? Another movie that balances that fantastic mixture of humor and real feels. And perfect music and sets. Marrying the unreal with the real. Perfect. I don't have anything else to say about this one (especially because I've reviewed it before) . If you don't like it, you clearly have no soul.

12. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

Best soundtrack possibly ever. I love the whole package here. Although its movie status may be debatable (it's only 45 min. long), the simple quest of young Charlie Brown to find what Christmas is all about is just so sweet. And the young voices of the entire cast make it that much more sincere. (Can we import some children from the 1960s to voice over current child actors' voices? Why do kids not sound like this anymore?) Between nurturing his one-branched Christmas tree and finding out what Christmas is all about (thank you, Linus), Charlie Brown does indeed have a wonderful Christmas. So cute.

Close runners-up include:

-Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (A classic, but a little dated for my current attention span. Love that Burl Ives though!)

-The Year Without a Santa Claus (Every time I watch this one I hear my mother's voice telling me that summer has no place in a Christmas movie. Love the Meiser Brothers though.)

-Home Alone 2 (Kevin seems a little more like an asshole in this one, but who doesn't love seeing a kid go crazy with his dad's credit card?)

-The Disney cartoon version of A Christmas Carol (Great cartoon adaptation but a little short. Definitely great for kids.)

If I missed any, don't yell at me. This is my blog, damnit. I do what I want.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Oldboy (The Remake): Mehhh

When I saw the original Oldboy back in 2010 on the recommendation of a friend, I was scarred for days afterward. Here was a film so violent and really just MESSED UP that it stuck in my head for days. It was so different than any movie I had seen previously. Here was a man that had been imprisoned for a number of years in a hotel room, with nothing but the same things surrounding him all the time. He ends up getting himself into fine physical shape and one day wakes up in a suitcase in the middle of a field, released without explanation. But the game doesn't end there. Totally clueless at who has imprisoned them all of those years, his captor decides to continue the game and let the man guess why he was put there in the first place. The end will make you uncomfortable for days.

Enter the remake, Oldboy, directed by Spike Lee and starring Josh Brolin.

My gut reaction when I heard they were remaking this film was a resounding "WHY?" For one thing, South Korea is allowed to have some pretty messed up themes. Their history as a country and a whole bunch of other cultural factors make graphic movies extremely common (you can read more about South Korean film in this ancient post). American audiences don't seem as interested in graphic stuff unless you make that movie badass.

That being said, the new Oldboy (Newboy?) lacks a lot of what its predecessor accomplishes.


Okay y'all, here are my problems with this remake:

1. Main guy's characterization
Old Oldboy: main guy, named Oh Dae-Su, seems to be a pretty okay dude. Sure he's a little drunk in the beginning, but he doesn't have any issues with his family; they're all actually pretty happy until he gets kidnapped and framed for his wife's murder.

New Oldboy: main guy, Joe, is a total dick. Late on child support payments, hits on taken ladies, alcoholic, and generally just seems pretty unlikeable. When he gets randomly imprisoned, you're not like "wait, why...?" you're more like "yeah I could see why someone would do that..."

just not as cool, right?

2. Main villain's characterization
Old Oldboy: main villain, Lee, is creepy but believable. you want to know why he did it.

New Oldboy: main villain, Adrian, is a little cartoony, complete with English drawl and evil laugh. Austin Powers-y.

3. Kung Fu realism
Old Oldboy: Oh Dae-Su learns all of his moves from watching TV and basically just winging it. He's pretty badass but he's no Jackie Chan. He even wonders aloud at one point if learning martial arts in a hotel room for the past several years can translate into the real world. The fighting seems more real because he's not amazing at it at first.

New Oldboy: Joe is like Neo from The Matrix. Lee seems to try to explain this by hinting at his background/interest in boxing but you're kind of like "WTF?" when he very nearly kills an entire team of soccer players as soon as he gets out of that field.

4. The shocking ending 
Old Oldboy: Lee doesn't seem as cartoonily nutso as much as seriously not right when he calmly explains that his sister and he were in love and that Oh Dae-Su totally made the girl commit suicide. Additionally, Oh Dae-Su doesn't intentionally push the girl to suicide and ruin her reputation at their school. It seems mostly accidental and makes the whole story even more horrific. Furthermore, Oh Dae-Su's fate is much more harsh in this version. Trying to reason with Lee, he cuts out his own tongue begging the man to never tell his daughter what they've done. I mean, what is worse than realizing that you've fallen in love with and slept with your own daughter? Hmm. Not a lot of things are coming to mind. But Park takes it a step further in the original. Even after the main character's extreme actions trying to persuade the villain, and even after the villain's suicide, Oh Dae-su has himself hypnotized to never remember that he is her father, and it seems like they continue their relationship.

and you're like "NOOOOO!!!!"

New Oldboy: This ending seems more strange to me, and I feel like Lee wussed out of going the full mindfuck (pardon my language but there really isn't any other term for it). Instead of Adrian having been in love with his sister, he reveals that the entire family was in an incestuous relationship that was shattered by Joe's gossip and resulted in the entire family being murdered. Adrian is more obviously delusional, as he thought that he was in a romantic relationship with his father that was legitimately special. The Joe's original discovery of the father and the villain's sister having sex prompts the main character to loudly slut-shame the daughter and, in the long run, for the father to murder the entire family (including himself). Realizing that he's totally exacted his revenge on Joe, Adrian kills himself. Joe is then free to use his prize of a bajillion dollars in diamonds to give to his daughter and to also check himself back in at Hotel Hell, where he seems perfectly content to punish himself for the foreseeable future. Not as believable honestly. And the last frame shows him smiling. Wtf? There would be no smiles here!

not buyin' it.

Funny thing about remakes in general is that they have to either improve upon or creatively re-imagine original stories. Batman is a great example. The original Batman was pretty good but Christopher Nolan totally revamped the series, made a broken and damaged Batman, held a city hostage multiple times, and the rest is history. The entire vision of the newer Batman series is totally indistinguishable from the original.

The new Oldboy is a terrific example of why you shouldn't remake a movie just because you think it would be cool. By distorting the original effectiveness of the themes, Lee ends up making what seems to be a pretty cookie-cutter thriller with a horrifying ending, but not one that really lasts. After seeing the original film, I was uncomfortable for days, but the main character in the new one just seems so unbelievable and so many things are tweaked to be different that I kind of walked out of the theater shrugging.

Not thrilled with this movie. Simply takes too many liberties that just morph it into another American movie trying to be more than it is.

4 outa 10.

The original is just so much grittier....

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Best Christmas Movies Pre-1960

Okay, there are way too many Christmas movies to make just one list, so I'm going to break this up into chunks for all of y'all.

Now some of you may have seen that the majority of these movies take place in the 40's and 50's and be all "Gross. I don't watch movies that aren't in color." Well, my friend, let me kindly tell you that you are a fool. Because this era features some of my favorite Christmas movies ever. So without further ado, here's:


1. It's A Wonderful Life (1946)

oops here's the whole movie...

Ironically, when this movie first came out in 1946 people were not crazy about it. It was right after the war and a lot of people found it to be too depressing. However, in the years following it developed a cult following and has been a Christmas classic ever since. The story follows George Bailey, a hometown guy that, despite always wanting to get the hell out of his hometown, is as much the center cog of it as anyone. When one rough Christmas Eve has him wishing he'd never been born, circumstances occur that make him reconsider. The movie's themes of hope and gratefulness really tune in with the season. And really, what would Christmas be without good ole Bedford Falls?

2. White Christmas (1954)

so the quality of the VistaVision is much better on the Netflix version...

Not the first movie to feature the actual song "White Christmas" by almighty crooner Bing Crosby, but probably the one that you remember better. The movie was actually created to be a sequel for the original film that featured the song "White Christmas," a flick called Holiday Inn (mentioned later on this list), but Fred Astaire had retired at that point so the movie was reworked at the last minute for Danny Kaye (my favorite guy). The story follows singing duo Wallace (Crosby) and Davis (Kaye) who meet up with new pals The Haynes Sisters (played by Vera-Ellen and Rosemary Clooney, George's aunt) and put on a show in a failing hotel in Vermont. With some mind-boggling dance numbers, sweet songs, and gorgeous color, this one's been in my family collection for years. The ending always makes me a little misty. Catch it on Netflix for free!

3. Christmas in Connecticut (1945)

okay, this trailer is incredibly uncomfortable, but the movie is fantastic I promise!

Alright, this is one of my top three Christmas movies of all time. Elizabeth Lane (played hilariously by Barbara Stanwyck) is a famous food writer for national magazine American Housekeeping. A role model of an American woman, Elizabeth Lane's husband, baby, perfect recipes, and farm in Connecticut are coveted by all of America. Except there's one problem: the real Elizabeth Lane lives in a New York apartment by herself, baby-less, and is a terrible cook. When her boss (oblivious to the lie she's living) forces her to host a sailor on her farm for Christmas, she fortunately finds a way to keep up the facade. Only there's one more problem: she's falling for the sailor. As everyone begins to figure out that maybe Elizabeth Lane isn't quite the picture perfect woman they all imagined, there are nothing but laughs. A hilarious romp from 1945, I absolutely love this movie. Sets and costumes are fantastic and the comedic timing is impeccable.

4. The Bishop's Wife (1947)

here's a clip - no trailer, kids, sorry!

You may have heard of the remake of this one, The Preacher's Wife, featuring Whitney Houston as a kid's-solo-stealing possible-husband-cheater-onner, but the original is so much sweeter. Also it has Cary Grant, and Cary Grant > Denzel Washington any day (sorry, it's true). A bishop is struggling to have a cathedral rebuilt but in his efforts begins to lose sight of his faith and of his family. Sent from heaven to help the bishop rediscover who he is and the value of his family, Dudley (played by Grant) befriends his wife (played by a very sweet Loretta Young). The story (although sometimes it makes me raise my eyebrows slightly...) is very cute and very "true meaning of Christmas." If you're looking for some old-timey religious inspiration, this movie's got you.

5. Miracle on 34th St. (1947)

once again, an awkward trailer...
geez, really took people a while to understand this type of publicity...

Again, yes, this one has been remade, but the original's characters far outweigh the clunky dramatic (and, let's be honest, slightly bitchy) yuppies in the newer one. When the real Santa Claus comes to New York and gets involved in the annual Macy's parade, things seem too good to be true! And maybe they are. After Kris Kringle gets involved in a legal dispute over his true identity and possible delusional tendencies, a young lawyer defends him saying that he really is Santa Clause. Played with so much more sincerity than the remake, I'm obsessed with this one. It's much more lighthearted and sweet. And with a supplemental story line featuring a child (young Natalie Wood! so cute!) trying to figure out whether or not Santa Claus is real, this movie will have you dying from the adorable.

6. Brian Desmond Hurst's Christmas Carol (1951)

oops here's the whole movie again...

Six words: "I must stand on my head!" If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should probably see this version of the movie. Now, I know what you're thinking, "A Christmas Carol!? How original!" and I'm gonna tell you to shut up right now, because next to The Muppet Christmas Carol's Michael Caine, Allistair Sim is the best damn Scrooge I've ever seen. Total asshole in the beginning, sure, but his transformation into the giddy man at the ending is one of the most graceful in any Christmas Carol reincarnation ever.

7. The Man Who Came to Dinner (1942)

haha, omg this line...

A lesser known Christmas tale, but a great one nonetheless. When Sheridan Whiteside (Monty Woolly), a renowned critic, comes to visit a family home for dinner, he slips on the icy steps and hurts his leg, forcing him to stay with the family until travel is possible. Confined to a wheelchair, Whiteside begins meddling with the lives of the family he's staying with - even after his leg heals! But will he see the error of his ways once he notices the dwindling attitudes of the people he cares about most? Not specifically a Christmas story, but a holiday tale. Features big stars such as Bette Davis, Ann Sheridan, and Jimmy Durante. Very entertaining. (Was also done as a stage production with Nathan Lane not long ago, the recording of which I believe is on YouTube.)

8. Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)

so pretty

Okay, maybe not 100% a Christmas film either, this movie chronicles the life of a St. Louis family at the turn of the 20th century through the four seasons. The emotional crux of this movie, however, happens during Christmas time. And nothing is more emotional than hearing Judy Garland's character sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" to her little sister the day before they're supposed to be moving away to big scary New York. Expert tears by Margaret O'Brien. Once again, beautiful Technicolor. They don't make 'em like this anymore.

9. Holiday Affair (1949)

oops, here's the whole movie again...

Connie (Janet Leigh) is struggling to find time for romance in her life after the death of her husband in the war. The only person she seems to have time for is her little boy, Timmy (a.k.a. the cutest kid I've ever seen). Working one day as a comparison shopper, Connie accidentally gets a salesman (Robert Mitchum -swoon-) fired. After their paths cross more than once, they begin to form a relationship that may be a little stronger than friendship - much to the chagrin of Connie's fiance! This movie is really carried by the chemistry between Leigh and Mitchum, who seem to have a sort of unspoken magnetism. Equally engaging is the little boy who plays Timmy. Holy crap is this kid cute. A great Christmas tale off the beaten track.

10. Edwin L. Marin's Christmas Carol (1938)

This version of A Christmas Carol is way dated, but in being so has a certain charm to it. Featuring laughable aging makeup (by today's standards) and extremely hyperactive Cratchet children (seriously, I swear, they never stop exclaiming at everything), this movie is still pretty entertaining. Also features the above scene in which (contrary to the book) Bob Cratchet goes nuts and buys everything under the sun after Scrooge fires him. I like it because it was the only version of the story that we had in our house for a while, and there's something to be said for the over-acted style of the 1930s. Definitely stands out for its sets and costumes.

11. Susan Slept Here (1954)

Possibly the strangest and most uncomfortable Christmas movie to date, this movie boasts being the only film ever narrated by an Oscar (despite the fact that this has no relevance to the story whatsoever). When a young delinquent (played by a spunky Debbie Reynolds) is taken in by a struggling Hollywood writer, weird things happen. Being charitable since it's Christmas, he decides to keep her off the streets for a night. And soon after decides, for some reason that I forget, that he should marry her so that she can stop being a delinquent or something. But despite the fact that this is a strictly paper marriage on his side, Susan is determined to show him that she can be the perfect wife for him. Very uncomfortable, but kind of funny, I somehow end up watching this one every year on Christmas Eve. (I really can't tell you why.)

12. Holiday Inn (1942)

(okay, for some reason, I can't embed the link in this post because all of the videos have it disabled, so here's the link)

A musical and dancing vehicle for Crosby and Astaire, Holiday Inn was the first movie to feature the song "White Christmas." Jim (Crosby), jilted after his buddy Ted (Astaire) steals away yet another one of his fiancees (you'd think that he'd stop being friends with this guy...), decides to move to a farm wher life is "simpler." After figuring out that life on a farm is actually quite difficult, he decides to turn the farm into a hotel for every major holiday and earn a few bucks entertaining the locals with his best girl, Linda (played by Marjorie Mason). But when Ted gets wind of it, Jim is hard-pressed to find ways to keep them away from each other. This movie is actually pretty great for any holiday. (Except for Presidents' Day. Sweet Jesus, a more offensive and racist musical number there never was than "Abraham"...)