MST3K: If You Don't Know What That Stands for, Please Leave.

Ok, guys. First thing's first. You may notice a blinking, colorful, not-white, clearly-an-ad box sitting at the bottom of this post. For that, I am heartily sorry. Except not really. Because I'm a college post-grad who needs more money. And you are brainwashed into not noticing these ads because you (like me) see them literally on every site imaginable. Therefore, sorry for selling out...but not really.

Anyway, moving on.

So this morning, I discovered that the MST3K movie was available and watched it. Now, before I go into the whole review of said movie, I would like to explain a little about what MST3K is:

For all you under-rock dwellers, MST3K stands for Mystery Science Theater 3000, and it is a show based around three characters making fun of really awful movies. And I mean really awful movies.

As their theme song tells us, the first-Joel-then-Mike character has been shot into outer space by people that don't like him for reasons that are never really touched on (trust me, they're not important). These evil villains have decided to torture Joel/Mike by sending him cheesy movies, the worst they can find (lalala).

Exhibit A.

So the show ensues with the awful movie (sometimes headlined with a 1950's health class-esque newsreel) being bashed by Joel/Mike and his co-bashing robot friends, Tom Servo and Crow. The plot of the actual show does come up between commercial breaks but is really just a cursory way of bringing in a reason for these guys to be doing what they're doing. Most episodes of the show are under an hour and a half and, really, they're SO funny.

So the movie version was (somewhat disappointingly?) almost exactly like the episodes of the show. The movie that they chose for it was called This Island Earth and it revolved around the horrible plot of some butt-headed aliens trying to gather scientists in Georgia, then taking them to their planet, and then dropping them off back here again. Bad effects, horrible acting, and hilarious commentary by Mike, Servo, and Crow. It wasn't the worst MST3K that I've seen but it definitely wasn't the best. A little shorter than I would've expected a movie version to be. And not as filled with inside jokes as I would've liked. Still, a cinematic version of a great show.

For the curious, though, I wouldn't recommend seeing the movie version first. I would ease your way up after watching a few select episodes of the original show. That is including, but not limited to: Santa Clause vs. The Martians, Night of the Blood Beast (especially good), Devil Fish, Red Zone Cuba, Prince of Space, The Mole People, Zombie Nightmare (also noteworthy), Soultaker, Final Justice, and Werewolf.

Some of my favorite episodes of the show are:

4. I Accuse My Parents:

In this hilariously dated tale, young Jimmy Wilson is put on trial for murder or something. His main defense: I accuse my parents! Apparently, his parents sucked so bad that they put Jimmy on the fast track to being a moron. Jimmy lies to all of his friends about how great his parents are, gets embarrassed by his drunk mom, and then takes off on his own to work in a shoe store where he meets a "sexy" nightclub singer. Hahaha, oh man..Really, there's just too much material to work with here.

3. Gamera Vs. Guiron

Well, aren't you in luck, this is the full episode. (Also, I couldn't find a "best of" so deal with it.)

So this is the only one of the Gamera series that I've seen, but apparently they're all pretty funny. Centered around a Godzilla knockoff named Gamera, this giant turtle terrorizes (and then apparently helps?) the good people of Japan. This one features two idiot children hijacking a spaceship and messing a whole bunch of stuff up. Also, it's really quite horribly dubbed, making it all the more easy to make fun of. Check it out!

2. Manos: The Hands of Fate

The crown jewel of all awful movies, this horrible flick centers around (here we go) a small family who stumbles upon some kind of weird religious cult thing, guarded by a weird dude named Torgo. There's also a bunch of ladies wearing granny panties under see-through white dresses, a hell beast that's really just a poorly trained doberman, and a goofy man named Manos who wears a silly cape with big hands on it (really, one of the only references to hands of fate). Torgo makes up about half of this bizarre, half-assed movie, but watch for the over-choreographed chick fight towards the end. Pretty funny stuff.

1. The Final Sacrifice

Holy. Crap. Never have I laughed as hard as I have laughed while watching this movie. Seriously. I think I've watched it upwards of seven times with more than ten people. The movie's plot follows Troy McGregor as he tried to search for his father's killers. Quickly getting involved with an ancient cult, he teams up with Zap Rowsdower (That is his actual name.) and tries to search for the answers to his father's death. Oh my god. If there is one way to sum up the hilarity that this movie brings to its viewers, it can be summed up in the word "Rowsdower". Totally destroying the characters of the nerd-tacular Troy McGregor and the too-Canadian Rowsdower, there really is no moment in this movie to catch your breath. Just trust me on this one and see it for yourself.

Korean Cinema: Don't Knock It Til You Try It

Alright, so here's an embarrassing confession: I caught myself reading a book about contemporary Korean film yesterday. Yep. It's official. I have nerded myself out. I am actually taken aback by my own nerdiness. I will no longer make fun of my dad, the history buff, for reading entire books on the Peloponnesian War.

God, aren't you just DYING to look inside this book?

But! In my defense. Korean cinema is fascinating. Alright, haters, I see you rolling your eyes. Not going with my nerd vibe. Hatin' on my Asian film. But just shut up and listen.

Korean cinema is largely based around themes of identity crisis due to its incredibly bizarre historical background. First annexed by Japan, Korea was under their thumb from about 1876 until World War II. As a result, Korean film started off as a national film that wasn't even allowed to be spoken in its own native language. In fact, largely used for propaganda, film didn't find its artistic voice until the 1920's (whaaat). After WWII and that persnickety 38th parallel problem (if you don't know what I'm talking about, read a history book for God's sake), Korea then faced being divided between Russia and the US. This made for interesting developments in artistic endeavors.

Now, as we all know, North Korea is a cultural wasteland built by "leader-gods" who somehow manage to die regardless (no, it's NOT "too soon"), but South Korean film has blossomed into something really freakin' cool-weird! Taking cues from their deep roots in American and European film, South Korea manages to morph typical American cinematic themes and styles into movies that are most definitely their own. Here are a few of my faves:

3. Cinderella (2006)

Probably not the way you want your surgeon holding your face. Just sayin.

Don't be fooled by its title, guys. This is one gruesome and creepy movie. Centered around a plastic surgeon and her daughter, this tale focuses on inexplicable hauntings (which to out to be explicable), the problems with trying to find ultimate beauty, and reconciling what you look like with your personal identity.

2. Shiri (1999)

This says "Shiri" in Korean, I swear.

Basically the Titanic (1999) of South Korea, this film took off like nobody's business. The movie's interesting plot is centered around North Korea's special forces team leading a terrorist attack on South Korea in an attempt to reunite the two countries. As South Korea's special forces try to counter the attempt, they are haunted by memories of North Korea's elusive special agent Hee, who may be a key factor in the success of the attack. A movie that's, in a lot of ways, like an American action thriller, but has more fun. Also stars every major South Korean start from the past 15 years (guy on the left is the vampire priest in Thirst and guy on the right is the lead in Oldboy).

1. Any movie by Chan Wook-Park

He's a director, not a movie.

Seriously. This guy is crazy. Crazy like a fox. He's like South Korea's Guillermo del Toro but more effed up. Instead of plots centered on mystical realism or horror, though, Chan Wook-Park gets inside your brain and freaks. you. out. Having seen three of his famed movies, they all reveal the flaws of human nature, the concepts of revenge, and how much of a bitch reality can be. Not for the weak of heart or stomach, Chan Wook-Park's movies are literally like nothing that you have ever seen before or (hopefully) will ever see again. Look at JSA: Joint Security Area (this one isn't as freak-you-out as the other three, if you wanted to start light), Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Lady Vengeance, and Oldboy. Seriously, guys, his stuff is crazy. But crazy good.

Alright stop!


...Trailer time:

Cinderella:


Shiri:


By far, the most messed up:

Two Half-Assed Reviews of Two Actually Good Movies

To be honest, even though I did see both Being Elmo and The Descendants in the past two weeks, I really never had time to write about them. So instead of offering up some watered-down, halfassed, twice-as-long description of those two movies that would take about forty-five minutes each to write without any really saying anything, I’m going to sum them both up:

Who needs feelings when you have a puppet to feel them for you?

Being Elmo was good. A documentary about Kevin Clash, the puppeteer that created Elmo and acts as his puppeteer to this day. Not a bad movie, but could’ve been a little more introspective. Unless of course all this man thinks about is puppets, which is hinted at more than once by the mere subject matter of this film. You get the impression that while this guy is a puppet genius, he doesn’t think about much else…

Totally copying off of my userpic...

The Descendants was incredible. Though it boasts a plot line that could easily be found in any daytime soap opera, this movie is beautifully subtle and incredibly believable. Dealing with the drama of his wife dying as a result of a jet ski accident, Matt King then finds out that she was cheating on him not long beforehand. The frustration and confusion from both Matt King, his eldest daughter (who would've thought that the girl from Secret Life would turn out to be an actually good actress?), and her aloof friend Sid is completely tangible on the backdrop of beautiful Hawaii. Lots of Hawaiian shirts. Lots of family drama. Very cool movie. Very cool.

Friends With Kids: Not Bridesmaids 2...But Still Good.

Oh dear...Has it really been almost two weeks? Jeez...I feel kinda bad. Bet you're all waiting for the latest reviews with bated breath. My bad, kids. My bad.

It's ok, guys, I know you need your fix.

Anyway, so on the rather blustery day (Winnie the Pooh? Anyone?) of Saturday, Allison and I went and saw Friends With Kids, starring half the cast of Bridesmaids. But do not be fooled, this movie is filled with all kinds of emotional issues that are more serious than you might be expecting.

Hint: Apparently these things aren't adorable all the time.

The plot revolves around Julie (Jennifer Westfeldt) and Jason (Adam Scott, whom you might recognize from Stepbrothers). Both have been best friends for forever and have been looking at the lives that their best friends now lead as parents. Seeing all of the emotional strain that it puts on their friends' marriages and deciding to opt out of that, they decide to have a child together but see other people. However, even as they start dating the people of their dreams, they start to question the decisions that they've made.

How could having sex with your best friend possibly get complicated!?

In the same vein as Will Farrell going from hilarious and outrageous comedies like Stepbrothers to incredibly serious fodder like Everything Must Go, FriendsWith Kids is not going to be the sequel to Bridesmaids that we've all been dreaming of. That being said, though, the movie gains in emotion what it loses in cheap laughs. In a realistic sort of backdrop, you can feel the characters' confusion as each couple starts to question, defend, and even make rash decisions about their marriages and friendships. And as for the main friendship/romance(?) between Julie and Jason as they try to raise their little baby boy, nothing seems less caricatured.

And I mean, check out the sick cast. need I say more?

Jennifer Westfeldt really wrote and directed the whole thing, which I find incredible. I had no idea when I was watching the film, but she really did a good job bringing all of life's elements into the plot: friendship, romance, love, despair, success, failure, things not making sense in life even though they're supposed to on paper...gah. Good movie. Stuck with me all day on Sunday.

Just a really sweet and really realistic love story, guys. Go see it.

8 outa 10 (I'm a sucker for romantic movies)

Also don't be deceived by how light the trailer seems, there's actually a lot of drama in this as well. Enjoy!

Modern Movies Just Don't Know When to Shut Up

This isn't really a review of any particular film, but I was just watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels for the first time and its ending really made me think about how much modern movies contrast those of the 80s and 90s.

It's also quite possible that I am merely blinded by this dynamic duo in action.

Maybe it's now considered dated or perhaps stupid to not leave a movie open-ended for a sequel, but I miss the good old fashioned closure of a dumb, feel-good movie. I feel like mainstream movies today have sort of fallen to adjusting their endings to make way for sequels, hoping that their audience will follow them into a second, third, and (totally not uncommon anymore) fourth installment of characters that they apparently liked the first go-around.

But what happens with these supposed lucky movies that get to cash in on the franchise of any actor's dreams?

They totally lose their original flavor.

Look at movies-turned-franchises like The Pirates of the Caribbean, X Men, or Indiana Jones. Pirates of the Caribbean started out as a kickass tale of adventure and mystical realism that was simple but effective. Now all that they're relying on are the more and more unpredictable and stupid antics of the character Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp, as if you all didn't know). And between the three franchises, the plots get so increasingly convoluted with every new film, that the audience is left with nothing to cling to except for the familiarity of the original characters amidst a muddled and usually overambitious plot.

Bet it feels good to be followed blindly by a cult audience, doesn't it?

Similarly, we have been seeing a trend lately with remakes. Like, ok, I understand when you see a movie from the 50s and you think "Man! I love this movie, but we could totally revamp it with modern technology and make it more accessible to modern audiences!" but when I start seeing movies like The Hulk or, even more recently, Spiderman being redone within a decade, you gotta wonder "Um..why?"

Not that superhero movies aren't also a huge deal right now, but why bother remaking a franchise that already had loads and loads of success? That not only ups the ante to make the characters more likable than the last round of actors, but you also have to give it its own distinction completely separate from its predecessor. Not that these aren't good things in general. I mean, jeez, look at the Batman saga before it got revamped last decade.

I think puns got temporarily outlawed after the injustice they suffered at the hands of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze.

But at the same time, it cheapens both movies by allowing them to sort of blur together.

Where's the originality, Hollywood?

Guess we're gonna have to rely on the gems of the past for a while until they can bring back their A-game, or at least catch up to the indie scene and make films that are actually halfway original. Jeez...

Getting back to Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, though, it really was a sweet film. Michael Caine's favorite movie that he ever performed in, and hilarious scene from Steve Martin as Caine's sidekick posing as his idiot brother, Ruprecht. You can totally tell Caine's trying desperately not to laugh. Skip ahead to 2:00 to watch Steve Martin in action as Ruprecht:

Winter's Bone: Icy by Every Definition

So I started watching Winter's Bone because I had heard rave reviews about Jennifer Lawrence in it last year, not realizing of course that she was also the actress that just starred in the hit The Hunger Games.

No, Katniss doesn't dye her hair blonde. This is a different movie.

Starting the movie on Netflix not really knowing anything besides that the movie was just the story of a girl looking for her dad, I didn't really have any expectations. But...wow. I was completely blown away by Jennifer Lawrence's performance as Ree Dolly and the raw footage and feel of the cold Ozark Mountains life in the backwoods.

The plot, as I said before, revolves around Ree looking for her father, but let me elaborate a little. Ree is a seventeen-year-old girl living in her family's house in the woods of rural Ozark territory, and caring after her mentally ill mother, and two little siblings, Sonny (who is 12) and Ashlee (who is 8, I think. And also adorable). One day the local sheriff turns up at her house asking if she has seen her daddy, a known meth-cooker in the area.

Also, you might recognize him as the dad from Raising Hope

She says she hasn't seen him in weeks and the sheriff then enlightens her to the fact that if they cannot find him, there will be hell to pay. Apparently her father put their house up for bail bond and if he doesn't show up for his court date, they lose their house, leaving Ree and her three dependents to wander the woods in their own property.

With steely resolve, Ree takes it upon herself to find her father. Through dealings with some seriously nasty people, most being her actual relatives, Ree discovers the hard way how the "law" works out in the sticks.

Hint hint.

In a weird way, (seriously weird way, but deal with me here), this movie is very Coal Miner's Daughter meets Boyz N the Hood. There's no sugar coating in this movie. These people are ruled over by themselves, with the law only occasionally stepping in to take charge, and the peoples' law is kept in order with terrifying consequences. In the same niche as territory and unspoken rules go in gang movies, these backwoods people have serious rules about the secrets that they keep, and what the penalties are for going against their ways.

The cinematography in this is absolutely wonderful. I feel like it is extremely hard to find a movie this horrifyingly realistic and yet this raw. You get chapped hands just watching Ree wonder through the woods looking for the next person to give her what could be anything from a threat to actual help. And forget overacting, these people seem like they were plucked out of the mountains by their mannerisms and accents.

Totally non-ironic wearing of a wolf-decorated sweatshirt.

All around awesome. I highly recommend. And just for the record, I liked Jennifer Lawrence a lot better in this than I did in The Hunger Games.

7.5 outa 10

Tintin: A 10-Year-Old's Indiana Jones

So on Friday, being immobilized after the activities of Thursday night, I took it upon myself to not leave my bed all day.

Good thing I have a TV in my room!

Allison and I (see! I told you I had girl friends!) piled all of our pillows onto my bed and turned on the movie The Adventures of Tintin, which we got a few days ago from a Redbox (New favorite thing. Seriously. Movies for a dollar. Awesome.).

Now, I had wanted to see Tintin in theaters, partially because movies in general are always just better in theaters and partially because it looked like they had fit so much artistry into this film that seeing it on a small screen would really detract from the whole effect. Even after seeing it, I still feel like I would rather have watched it on a big screen, cuz, man, this movie is a real dazzler.

Sparkle and shine.

The plot revolves around Tintin (voiced by Jamie Bell), a journalist (though we never really see him writing anything) in his early 20's who is always solving mysteries, the adorable red-headed scamp. He also gets some help from his dog, Snowy. On the day that that film begins, he is at a small flea market and finds a model ship that he's extremely interested in buying.

Ooh. Ahh.

After haggling for about five seconds, he ends up getting the ship. Literally two seconds after the old man sells him the thing, an American comes up to Tintin and pantingly warns him that he will be in grave danger if he doesn't get rid of the ship immediately. Tintin, like all adorable youngsters from the 40s, assures the man that he doesn't wanna get rid of the ship cuz, well, it's pretty awesome and probably worth any level of danger it might bring (you know a kid from today would dump that ship in the nearest trash can and run like hell). The American runs away and is then replaced by a man who claims to be a noble, and offers Tintin any price he wants for the model ship. Tintin again insists that it's not for sale and goes on his merry way.

Later that day Tintin comes home to find his home ransacked and the ship stolen and decides to investigate the case of this mysterious ship.

What investigating looked like before the internet, kids.

Along this adventure he gets kidnapped, ends up abroad, crosses a desert, and even flies a plane, among a mass of cool chases and comical fighting scenes. He also encounters a sea captain with a rather intense drinking problem (who could be the answer to all of the model ships' mysteries), a pickpocket's side story and a story as old as a legend.

Well first of all, this movie is beautifully crafted. Being set in Europe, Tin Tin captures all of the charm of the mid-20th century while simultaneously incorporating the essence of the cartoon and the wonder of faraway lands and legends. It's extremely nostalgic for Hollywood glamour and old timey pizazz without going over modern kids' heads.

Beauteous.

Second of all the characters are great. I was expecting Tintin to start getting on my nerves (seriously, boyish charm can morph very quickly into stupidity), but he's so balanced out by the hilarious Captain Haddock (voiced by Andy Serkis), that really both characters end up being pretty likeable. And Tintin's personality ends up having a bit of an edge to it at times that makes him more human than I really expected him to be.

He gets a gun? Upgrade!

Bottom line for this adventure is that I really loved it. It's simple storyline has that sort of Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys feel to it that a lot of movies today don't take more advantage of. It ended up being sort of a mixture of Indiana Jones and Sherlock type mystery.

But a huuuuge part of why I loved it is also just the visual quality of the film itself. They really did not cut any corners in making sure the lighting, character movements, sets, and (a common problem in 3D movies) HAIR all looked incredibly realistic. Additionally, they did not compromise the fact that this film is based on the comic series, making the proportions of the characters faces comical and caricatured as they should be.

See?

Somehow it all ended up working and the end result is a beautiful nostalgic children's film. Check it out!

7.5 outa 10.